Slow Down Mind…

Slow down mind.

I feel them all around me.

They creep amongst us while we sleep.

Slow down mind because you run so fast, I want to weep.

I hear the bump in the night.

I hear that squeak of the floor.

I lay there watching the door.

I listen for their footsteps.

I pray that they take and go away.

I lay in my bed and panic.

Slow down mind for you once again acting manic.

He lays there sleeping.

I listen to him breathe.

I want to wake him up so he can check the house.

I look up at the clock and it’s the middle of the night.

My mind is working overtime.

It tells me that their here.

It runs through the meadow and I just pray that it will go slow.

Slow down mind for I’m in fear.

My body needs sleep.

My mind needs to rest.

I need these nightly noises to go away from my head.

Please won’t you help me.

Please tell me what to do.

I get out of bed as quietly as I can.

I don’t won’t to disturb him because he sleeps so peacefully.

Does he know what I hear at night.

Does he know that my mind is running wild.

Does he know I’m so exhausted because these bumps in the night are wild.

I sit in the dark and I’m all alone.

It’s just me and my mind as I sit in the dark.

Slow down mind, I need you to park.

I need you to let me be.

Can’t you see.

Slow down mind, slow down.

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I’m Sorry…

I’m sorry I’ll never be good enough

I’m sorry I get so upset

I’m sorry for losing my temper so easily

I’m sorry I get so stressed out

I’m sorry I can’t be normal for you

I’m sorry I can’t join your world

I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…

But you haven’t helped me either

I’m sorry that you didn’t grow up in a house full of hate

I’m sorry that you didn’t have a father who beat you

I’m sorry that you had a father who didn’t drink constantly

I’m sorry that you didn’t have a father who put his girlfriend’s kids before you

I’m sorry you didn’t have parents who divorced

I’m sorry you didn’t walk in on your father having sex with his girlfriend while your mother was across the street waiting on him to get home from work

I’m sorry that you didn’t get constantly moved from one house to another

I’m sorry that you don’t have night terrors

I’m sorry that your mind allows you to sleep at night

I’m sorry that you can flow through life so easily

I’m sorry that you have NEVER bothered to sit down and research my disorder

I’m sorry, but that may have helped me if you would have known a little more about me being Bipolar and how to recognize triggers and how to aid me in all these years we have been together

I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…

I’m sorry because I don’t think I will ever be able to apologize enough for being me…

Doing some thinking…

Today was a good day. My hubby was supposed to work and I was supposed to have our youngest granddaughter today. While I was out with a friend last night he did a bulk of the work he had planned for this morning. My granddaughter stayed home with her daddy since he didn’t have to work today. So, that freed up some time for us to spend together. We went to Six Flags. For some, you know I absofreakinlutely LOVE going to theme parks. What’s even better is that Six Flags is only a few miles away from our house. So of course we are season pass holders.

It turned out to be a great day until I got sick from the heat. Such is life. I can’t tolerate heat after I had several heat exhaustion attacks many years back in the same summer. That summer was rough. I felt like I lived at my doctors office instead of at home. At least I recognize the symptoms and know I need to get home and get my core temperature down. All in all, it was still a lot of fun!

Once I was feeling better after I got home, I picked up my book and naturally my crazy roller coaster mind went haywire. It usually does after an episode. However, today it went in a direction that intrigued me. I got to thinking about all of the Indie Authors I have discovered in the past several years. There are many, many good ones out there, you just have to be in love with books like I am to understand. I follow a good many of them on Facebook. Surprising enough, a lot of them interact with their fan base. I can go total all out fangirl when it comes to my favourites releasing a new book, or posting a glimpse into their daily lives.

Now, I know you’re sitting there saying, what in the world is  trying to say. Get on with it. Well, here goes. I haven’t gone one day in over five years without reading a book. I keep a log of authors that I adore. Now I wish I could somehow figure out how to get a postcard or something to put in an album that has their autographs. That would so make my day, my month, my year and my life!

Books are what recharges me daily. I learn from them. Good ones can rip my soul in two and mend it back together. Some have ripped my heart and soul apart and I feel those characters live in my mind a lot. One book stands out that Dan Skinner wrote. Memorizing You. This book ripped me apart. I can see it mentioned on Facebook and I will cry.

As I sat here thinking about that one lone book today it made me sad that I don’t have a fangirl autograph book for my favourite Indie Authors. Guess I need to figure out how I can go about asking if some of them would actually do that for me. I would be so stoked. Most people want moviestars pictures and autographs. Well, the authors I read and follow are stars in my book. They bring more joy  to me than any old movie/tv star.

Well, that sums up what my crazy mind was doing today. It goes off like rockets without a final ending spot. It ends up a mess like this.

 

 

 

So Alone

Why is it I feel so alone even when I am surrounded by people? I feel so disconnected from them. I don’t know how to climb out of this hole and join them. I watch through the looking glass and wish I could take part. I hear them whisper about the quiet girl in the corner. I see them point their fingers. I see them laughing and they aren’t laughing with me. They are laugjing at me. However,  I cannot join them. I don’t know how. I’m quite content in my own world which happens to be my head. It’s a scary place most days. But I live in it so I’m used to it. It would scare a sane person. I do wish you could take a small glimpse inside though. I’m hollow with all of these thoughts and ideas running rampid.

You are probably sitting there wondering what in the world? Well,  I’m Bipolar. I’m not crazy. I have a disorder that most days controls my life. I try so very hard to take that control over,  but it’s hard. I can’t function some days. Others I’m okay. Few and far between I have some awesome ones pop up.

Bipolar Disorder is different for everyone. For me, it leaves me alone and feeling discouraged in life. I always wonder if events in my life have led to my disorder careening out of control more than it should have. I wish I could just get it all out of my head so I could enjoy life. I’m tired of being alone. I’m tired of being lonely.

 

Please help me turn off my brain

Please help me turn off my brain

It travels the valleys
It travels the hills
It travels through  without all the thrills

Please help me turn off my brain

It hurts
It fills me up
I ache
I want to crawl into a corner and be swallowed up whole

Please help me turn off my brain

It runs like a roller coaster
It never shuts off
It makes no sense
It’s all jumbled up

Please help me turn off my brain

It keeps me awake
It robs me of my rest
It makes me sick
It robs me of my joy

Please help me turn off my brain… So I can feel normal for just one day

That One Smile

image

Do you know how bad I feel?

Did you know how sick I was?

Did you know how bad I wanted to stay in bed today?

Did you know how bad my head was hurting?

Did you know that my heart was hurting?

Do you know how early I get up just to make sure your child’s bus is warm on a cold day?

Do you know that all it takes to make it worth it is that one smile?

That one smile from your child as they board my bus makes my day!

 

Soaring Through Life

Soaring

Have you ever watched a bird fly?
The way their wings work?
The way they take off and land?
Have you ever wondered what it’s like to soar through the air?
To curve inward and change your flight pattern?
Have you watched how they flutter their wings and are immediately up and going?
How they flap and flap their wings until they get in the air?
When they are up in the air and then just spread their wings and glide?
Do you ever stop and listen to them talk?
Their beautiful songs?

Birds are much like people
We may not soar through the air, but we can glide
A baby learning how to walk flaps its little arms for balance
When we walk we change our travel paths by making a small adjustment
Do you stop and listen to the sounds that people make?
People are much like birds…

They talk, they sing, they glide through life

To my husband…

I sat in the dark watching you sleep.
My tears they did weep.
I listened to you breathe and felt you all around.
I sat back and cried because of you I was found.
You are my one, my true, my all, my love.
You are the wings of my dove.
My heart is overwhelmed to say the least
You and only you could tame me, the beast
I don’t tell you often enough how your love feels my soul
You and only you have ever made me whole
I love you my prince
I love you my king
I love that only you could make my heart sing

The Darkest Hour

 

I think about those three words from time to time. What is the darkest hour? It is different for everyone. Sometimes we may experience several darkest hours in our life. I have had several. So entires it is hard not to sit and drown in the memories of what our personal darkest hours bring us. What is important is to try and find the light. It may take a day, a month, a year or even several years. When we can truly get past our darkest hour we have to trust that one day we can catalog those dark memories and never bring them out again. 

One of my deepest darkest hours happened 20 years ago this year. The only thing is, this darkest hour didn’t just belong to me. It belonged to me, my husband, my kids, my step brother and step sister and our families. While I still have many many days, too many actually, that I get bogged down inside my memories, I feel like I have finally begun to catalog them. The days haven’t gotten easier I have just learned how to move on. So for me those memories are catalogued close, but farther away each year. 

I was was sitting reading and my husband was playing his guitar and was singing The Darkest Hour. It is a haunting song for me and I cry every time I hear it, but…it also remains one of my favorite songs that I love to listen to. So today as I sat crying I thought about one of my darkest hours. I thought about the lives that were damaged because of it. I thought about what I personally lost because of it. I thought about what my family lost. But mostly I thought about what my step brother and step sister lost. Their loss to me was harder than mine. I carry guilt for what was taken away from them because I can’t make their darkest hour better for them. What I can do though is let the. Know how much I still love them. How much I miss them. And, how proud of them I am. They will alway be my sister and brother in my heart. 

I love you!

 

Think about your darkest hour. Don’t carry that burden alone. Talk about it. Tell someone. Anyone. If someone doesn’t listen, talk to someone else. Don’t push it away because you can’t catalog it for storage if you do. Let it go so you can catalog it and fold it up to allow new things in.